Twilight Characters visit the set of TWILIGHT!
by MyBoyfriendEdwardSparkles
Summary: Woah! Why do Bella and Edward have mega-phones? Why is Catherine pulling her hair out? And you know that deer out the start of the movie? Who knew, but he's a DI-VA!
1. Brunette Britney Spears

**Sooooo this little first bit isn't even a proper bit. Its just where the Cullens meet the actors playing them.  
**  
*In a faraway land called Forks....a meeting is taking place, where a certain director has exciting news....*

Catherine: So the REAL and ACTUAL characters are coming into see us! Isn't that great? Come on in guys!

*Characters enter*

Bella: ......and then I said, Take a chill pill Jasper!

Cullens: Ha ha ha. My, my Bella, you are so very funny.

Catherine: Characters, meet the actors who are playing you!

Bella: *peers around the room* I cannot see my actress! Where is my stunningly gorgeous actress?

Kristen: Um, hi Bella. I'm Kristen. I'm playing you. Its such a pleasure to meet-

Bella: *In French accent* UGH! Eeet is 'ideous!

Catherine: But...but...

.  
Bella: I ASK YOU FOR A BRUNETTE BRITNEY SPEARS, AND YOU GIVE ME THIS!

Catherine: But she she is....

Bella: I AM SLENDER AND SOFT! THIS IS JUST SCRAWNY!

Kristen: Yeah...but I'm a good actress!

Bella: Doesn't matter! I am humiliated! Ugh! *runs and sits under table*

Edward: You're playing me?

Rob: Yah.

Edward: *turns to Catherine* When I said sophisticated, I didn't mean GAY! *Runs and hides with Bella*

Cullens: *to their actors* Meh. You'll do. We aren't divas unlike SOME PEOPLE!

**Filming starts next chapter. Stay tuned!**


	2. Deers do NOT SKIP!

Catherine: Ok. We're about to start filming! Exciting stuff! Anything I can get anyone? Coffee? Dounut? Mountain lion?

Emmett: Wouldn't mind taking a bite out of that FINE looking deer sitting in make up....Mmmmm...Venison and Maybelline....Not a bad combo....Maybe I should suggest it to Maccas...

Actor!Deer (Lets call him Fred.): HOW DARE YOU! I happen to be a very well known actor!

Emmett: Sure...

Fred: Seen Bambi?

Emmett: YOURE BAMBI!?

Fred: *sighs* Her understudy...

Emmett: Meh. Those are the breaks....

Real!Character!Deer: I'm He-ere!

Catherine: Good. Lets get started.

Fred: *Drinks from stream* Mmmm...Yum Yum...Delish...Is it sparkling mineral or just tap? Oooo! Are those bushes moving? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! Its a VAMPIRE! *Run run*

Real!Character!Deer: Ok...Ok what is that? A skip? Is that a skip? Ok. Deers do not SKIP! We...no! No! Now thats just a frolic!

Fred: Well....Well...I CANNOT WORK IN THESE CONDITIONS! THIS SUCKS! I'll be in my trailer! I want a fresh bowl of pellets every half hour and a pay rise! *flounces off*

Bella: Pfff! What a diva!

Catherine: Right! Lets move on. Kristen. Your voice over please.

Kristen: Ahem....I've never given much thought to how I would die...

Bella: *raises megaphone* STOP! Now, I thought we were keeping it real people! Real! In reality, I actually did give thought to how I would die. Heaps of thought!

Edward: Really? Why? Do tell...

Bella: Well, its a long story but....

Catherine: Lets save it for morning tea shall we? We can all hear about how suicidal Bella was, over tim tams in the dining room. Ok?

Bella: Fine. Be like that.

Kristen: ..but dying in the place of someone I love, seems like a good way to go.

Bella: Pff! Yeah right! Who writes this shit?

Stephanie: *grabs razor* No good, lousy characters....evil....Ungrateful...could've killed her off sooo many times...Jamesy poo....Jessica could've eaten her....Edward could've hit a tree...and thats not even mentioning Isle Esme....


	3. EVERYONE knows Bella NEVER thinks!

Kristen: I would miss Pheonix....

Bella: SHE LIES! I would never miss that place! It is hell! And in it lives the devil with a REALLY good nose job....

Kristen: I would miss the heat...

Bella: I soon got over that. Edward is hot hot HOT! Meow.

Kristen: I would miss my, loving, erratic, harebrained mother.

Bella: Wow. Renee has a rabbit in her brain? This explains so much.

Kristen:...and her new husband.

Bella: Pffff. Phil? Ah, no. Can anyone say...Man-Bimbo? Jesus, _I _ can hit a ball better than him, and everyone knows I'm no Angelina Ballerina....

Catherine: BELLA! Put the mega phone DOWN!

Bella: NEVERRRR! *super glues mega phone to hand*

Catherine: Edward...A little help?

Edward: But...but...

Catherine: *gives Edward the evil director glare of dooooom!*

Edward: Bella, love? Do you think you could possibly consider.... for a second...you know...putting the mega-phone....

Bella: Yes?

Edward: *whispers* Down?

Bella: Ha. Ha ha. Funny. See, thats why I married you. Because you are so very funny. Always cracking jokes. Ha ha.

Edward: Yes. Joke. Anyways, I thought you married me because of my scorching yet soft eyes and dazzling smile? *dazzle*

Bella: Of course not. I am sweet and lovely. Not the slightest bit shallow and self-absorbed....*catches sight of Vamptastic self in mirror and falls in luuurve*

MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: Oooo! Bella and her reflection sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Catherine: Ahem. Who let YOU in?

MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: My keyboard.

Catherine: Security! Please escort the offending keyboard out of here!

Bert the security guy: Of course Cathy. We still on for tonight?

Catherine: You know it. *turns to the others* Berty can't resist my director smile of loveliness. *attempts smile, looking slightly like a constipated hippopotamus*

Robert: Waaaait! Back up. Back up just a second. We get _married_? Mmmm....Robbie likey.

Kristen: *ignores Robs creepy lovesick stare*

Bella: Ooops. I forgot. Breaking dawn hadn't come out during filming. Renesmee? You'd better get back in the closet of "characters who don't exist yet".

Renesmee: Serious? Ugh. Oh well. At least I have Imprinted!Jacob and Dead!Irina to keep me company.

Bella: Now. Continue Kristen. Go! I wanna see the wonderful, extremely LONG and by-the-book medow scene.

Catherine: Ha ha. Riiiight....*desperately tries to change script to avoid Bella eating her* Stupid pen! Aaaargh!

Kristen: Ahem....But they wanna go on the road..

Bella: Yeah. More like DOWN the road. TO A HOTEL! Apparently having a swotty daughter down the hall reading swotty old books, kills the mood.

Kristen:...So I'm gonna spend some time with my Dad. And this will be a good thing....I think.

Bella: HA! Yeah right! Everyone knows I NEVER think!

*awkward agreeing silence*

Bella: Ohmygod. I'm even more self-hating than Edward was when he found out that his evil spawn was growing inside my tummy.....

Renesmee: Gee. Thanks. The mothers day card is SO going to Rose this year.


	4. He doesn't have a what?

Billy: Ummm...So..you're hairs grown longer?

Bella: *sings* Hair-extensions! She is so FAKE! *adjusts boob implants* I mean, seriously...

Kristen: I cut it since the last time I saw you.

Bella: Liar. Check out those split ends....Do you see them, Edward?

Edward: Her hair looks quite nice to me.

Bella: GASP! Mines better right? Right?

Robert: *emerges from trailer, face covered in chocolate donut* I think your hairs...munch munch...lovely Bella.

Edward: ARE YOU EATING CHOCOLATE?!?! IF YOU EAT CHOCOLATE, YOU GET FAT! AND IF YOU GET FAT, _I_ GET FAT!

Robert: Wait, wait...*takes out notebook* Ok, say that again, but slooowly....

Edward: Robert + Chocolate = Fatty....

Rob: Um, yeah. (Oh god, I was NEVER good at maths...)

Catherine: Keep it rolling. We have a tinsy budget, because OBVIOUSLY this movie is like, indie, no-one likes it much.

Kristen: Yah, its not like it will become a world wide phenomenon, causing us to wish that we used better special effects, like making a sparkles on Edward a liiiiittle bit better.

Catherine: But, Kristen, didn't the whole "I just lathered myself in my lil sisters Disney princess sparkle gel" turn you on?

Kristen: Nuppers.

Catherine: Huh. Maybe it was just me....*hides Sparkly!Rob pictures behind back* Keep going.

Kristen: One of the best things about Charlie, he doesn't hover.

Bella: Did anyone else think that sounded like "he doesn't have a..."...? He doesn't have a what?

Charlie: *Stuffs sock down pants* Never you mind...

Billy: Bella, you remember Billy Black? _Tee hee, he has the same name as me..._

Kristen: _No._ Yup. You're looking good. _Kristen likey..._

Gil aka Billy : I'm still dancing. _Weeell, not really, but I can do quite a cool head boppy thing...._

Taylor: Hi, I'm Jacob.

Jacob: Wait, wait, I thought I was tall and hot? And seriously, the hair? Conditioner addiction?

Taylor: We used to make mud pies together when we were little... _Yah, we got diiirtay! _

Kristen: Oh, yeah, I remember. _Even though we were like, babies, and you don't develop a memory till you're three..._

Charlie: So, what ya think? Just bought it off Billy here. _But _I'm _Billy! Tee hee..._

Kristen: This? Oh my gosh! This is perfect! *Just about paralyzes Jacob* Sorry.

Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: And now we all know how Billy got in a wheelchair...


	5. Bella assasinated the PRESIDENT!

Justin (Eric) : Hi! I'm Eric, the eyes and ears of this place....

Michael (Mike) :Tee hee. I'm the nose.

Anna (Jessica) : I'm the cheeks.

Rob: Can I be the belly button? Please?

_Bella attempts to play volleyball...._

Kristen : Huh, I think I might be getting the hang off this...*hits Michael in head* Aw crap! Sorry!

Edward: This is why we're never invited to couples sports night...

Michael : *Turns around* Grr, I'm gonna give that person a piece of my min...._Oh! Its a girl _other_ than Jessica!_

Kristen: I told them not to let me play....

Volleyballers: And we _said_, by all means, DON'T play! Sit out! But noooo....

Anna: She has a nice spike huh? _DIE! _Hey, you're from Arizona right? Aren't people from Arizona supposed to be like....really tan?

Kristen: I...guess...thats why they kicked me out.

Bella: Lying is not the best way to make friends. You _should_ have told them that you were kicked out because your tripped and knocked over a gun, assasinating the president, thats why they kicked you out.

Michael and Anna : *blink like inbred, small town hicks* Oh. It was a...a...j...joke. Ha.

Kristen: *waves and backs away slowly* Huh, I'm walking backwards without tripping over! I'm really doin...OOF! *falls over*

Anna: *folds arms behind back and does a funny lippity skippity thing away*

_In the cafetaria...._

Justin: And these crazy pyramids will fall from the sky and...Yah. That was my dream last night.

Michael: Mmmm...chair. *pulls back chair and is just about to sit down when*

Kristen: *plonks bum on chair and starts nibbling celery*

Michael: Nooooo! My chair! Soiled forever!

Kristen: Blah blah blah....Speedo padding on swim team....

Jessica: Wait, what? We didn't have a swim team! Its like two degrees outside!

Kristen: Oooo...who are they?

Angela person (Christian?): The Cullens.

Anna: Yah, but they're all together. Like, together together.

Christian: Say together one more time.

Anna: Together.

Christian: *punch*

Kristen: Who's he?

Anna: Thats Edward Cullen. He's totally gorgeous, obviously...

Blind Person: No! It is so NOT obviously! Some of us can't see ya know!


	6. Rob's nose wants to retreat!

Rob: *walks in looking oh-so-sexy* Strut!

Random-photographer: Oh yeah! Work it! Yah! Gimme some...gimme some BROODING! Yes!

Rob: *pouts*

Kristen: *mouth drops open* Oh em GEE! Like, DROOL!

Anna: Don't waste your time....

Kristen: Wasn't planning on it... *pencils "wasting time on Edward" into her daily schedule*

_In biology.... _

The fan: *blows Kristen's hair* Mwa ha ha...

Kristen: *shakes hair everywhere like she's on a Pantene ad* Fabulous. Edward will NEVER be able to resist me now! *lets one rip due to all excitement*

Rob, Michael and that guy who played Mr Molina: Ewwww!

Rob: Oh...that's... just...so...gross! *covers nose*

Rob's Nose: Bless your little cotton socks Rob. Thank you.

Kristen: *approaches Rob's desk*

Rob's Nose: RETREAT! RETREAT!

Rob: *does little jerky movements* The smell! It burns! Baked beans for breakfast much?

Kristen: Was it something I said?

Bella: *sigh* Kristen...Kristen Kristen Kristen. When will you learn m'dear?

Kristen: Learn what?

Bella: LEARN! *points to whiteboard* Seriously! Does she learn ANYTHING in class throughout the entire movie?

Edward: ….And the moral of the story is... Ask your teacher for a really really really ugly lab partner this year!

Bella: No Edward. The moral of the story is.... Even if someone says they want to kill you and warns you they are very dangerous, stay with them at all costs. It will most definitely turn out for the best.

Past victims of Edward: *turn in grave* Try telling that to our necks. *flip through the script* And we quote... Edward: "I've killed people before" Bella: "I don't care." Thanks Kristen. Thanks a whole lot.

Kristen: I didn't say it in the first place! She did. *Jumps up and down and points to Bella*

Bella: Well...she wrote the script! *throws stapler at Catherine's head*

Catherine: HEY! Don't blame me! He was the one who killed you!

Edward: *takes sip of victims blood from drink bottle* Guilty as charged!


	7. Bella no longer wants berry cobbler!

Rob: *mutters to Mrs Cope lady* Come on! There has to be some air freshener somewhere! Anything! Lavender mist? Lemon fresh?

Kristen: *walks in* Dum de dum dum...

Rob's nose: Argh! Not...again...

Mrs Cope Actress: I'm sorry! But none of the air freshener cans are full....

Bella: Cue...ME!

Kristen: *bursts into room*

Bella: Wait, hold it. I was _told_ there would be a Bella theme tune! WHERE IS THE BELLA THEME TUNE?

Catherine: Look, we're on a tight budget here. You want a theme tune? Hum it yourself.

Various Cullen's who have heard Bella hum/sing: NOOOOO!

Kristen: Oh for goodness sake. *presses play on tape player*

Everyone: Ah. Music.

Catherine: ACTION!

Rob: *chokes on sandwich he was eating* I'll...just.... *swallow swallow*....have to...endure it.... *brushes past Kristen, slipping his number into her pocket as he goes*

Kristen: He always does that! *yanks open door* Rob! Come back here! I don't want your stinking numb....

Esme: *nudges Carlisle* Oooo! Onset romance! Exciting!

Alice:.....all I'm saying, Catherine, is that _I _should have been put in charge of wardrobe! I mean, honestly! Have you seen what Rosalie's actress was wearing in the cafeteria scene? It looked like she spilt milk all over herself!

Catherine: *mutters* The milk stains were a brilliant idea.... Only I could've ever thought of something that amazing.

Bella: *makes new megaphone out of plastic cups and a strand of Edward's hair* ACTION!

Waitress (Cora??) : Well I just can't get over how grown up you are. And so gorgeous.

Edward: *reads Cora's mind* She's really thinking 'That stupid bitch. Hasn't changed a bit. Ugly too. Hmmm... Her hairs gotten longer though...'.

Charlie: *through mouthful of donuts from the snack table* She..munch munch...cut it since the last time she saw us.

Cora: Huh....

Waylon Guy: Hey, Bella!

Bella: Hey, Waylon!

Everyone: SHHH!

Waylon: Remember me? I played Santa one year...

Billy: Waylon, she hasn't had a Christmas here since she was four.

Bella: *counts on fingers* 13 years!

Edward: *pats Bella's head and rewards her with a blood cup-cake*

Cora: Butt crack Santa?

Charlie: No wonder she's so messed up. I had some wacko friends.

Waylon: Kids love those little bottles though!

MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: Little...bottles? Explain?

The real Waylon: Nah. We'll just remain annoyingly cryptic. MWAHAHAHA!

MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: *mumbles about Jame's teeth and how in about 20 minutes, victory will be hers*

Cora: Let the girl eat her garden burger Waylon... _maybe if I slip the smallest piece of steak in with the lettuce..._Then I'll bring you your favourite. Berry cobbler, remember?

Bella: For God's sake! *holds up fingers and toes* 13 years ago! I'm not going to remember what dessert you served me when I was FOUR!!! Besides, now I prefer a nice liquor chocolate with a splash of...

Edward: We don't eat now, poppet. Remember?

Bella: Sure.... *hides chocolates behind back along with megaphone*


	8. KRISTENLAND!

Kristen: Mom? Are you still there?

Sarah (Renee): *pushes off Phil* Mmm..Hmmm... Florida... Permanent...Phil, get rid of her!

Phil: *puts on fake voice* Please insert $1.25 for an additional three minutes.... *whispers* He he.. That should do the trick...

Kristen: Where's your cell?

Bella: *snickers* In... JAIL! HA HA HA! Geedit Edward? CELL! JAIL! JAIL CELL?!

Edward: *blank look*

Sarah: *mumbles* I suppose I'd better act kinda interested...Now, tell me more about your school, baby. What are the kids like? Are there any cute guys? Are they being nice to you?

Kristen: They've all been very....*shudders* ugh... Welcoming. *Thinks back to welcoming smiles and kindness and throws up*

Bella: *offers Kristen bucket* I feel for ya, Tristen.

Kristen: Um... Thats not my name... *does James Bond impression* The names Kristen. Kristen Stewart.

_The school parking lot..._

Kristen: I planned to confront him...

Bella: Translation- I planned to rape him as soon as I saw him...

Kristen: And demand to know what his problem was...

Bella: And ask him whether he wanted me to wear my sexy nurse or kitty cat costume...

Kristen: But he never showed...

Bella: He saw the chocolate body paint and ran away... Sniff sniff.

Kristen: More days passed. Things were getting a little... strange.

Bella: I baked a cake to win him over, but he still didn't turn up. It became stale.

Edward: Aw, you baked me a cake?

Bella: Yes. A carrot cake. I still have it as a beautiful memory, preserved for all time. A symbol of out love...

Rob: *burps and licks crumbs from lips* Yeah... bout that....

_Home..._

Kristen: Oh God! Ice!

Catherine: Erm... Kristen, there's like a teeny little square of ice about fifty metres away and thats it. How could you possibly...?

Kristen: *falls* Ow.

Bella: Ok... whats with the gloves she's wearing?

Alice: *mutters* I could've done so much better.... first milk on the jeans.... now Kristen's wearing oven mitts...

Billy B : *pops rest of donut into mouth* Are you alright, Bells?

Kristen: Ice just doesn't help the....

Jasper: Ugly?

Kristen: The....

Emmett: Retarded?

Kristen: Actually, I was gonna say the...

Billy: Braindead?

Catherine: Insane?

Edward: Batty? He he...

Bella: Simple?

Kristen: UNCOORDINATED! ICE DOESN'T HELP THE UNCOORDINATED!

_In Biology...._

Justin: And, I know the prom is a chick thing...

Gay-Guy-Prom-Committee: How dare you! We happen to be a very talented group of men who have a fetish for crepe paper streamers!

Justin: *rolls eyes* I need your play list.

Kristen: *hides I-pod filled with scary African voodoo songs*

Justin: Do..Do you have a..a..da...

Michael: NOOOOO! *jumps and dives onto Justin* Hey Arizona!

Catherine: *throws script at head* ITS BELLA!

Michael: How you liking the rain gir.... *picks up script Catherine just threw* Oh, wait, it says right here. You don't like any cold wet thing.

Rob: *waves hand around* 'Cept cold old me!

Michael: *waves wet hat over Kristen's hair* Oh yup. Me are smoooth. Note to all guys : Best way to win a girls heart – Ruin her hair.

Kristen: *turns around and does fangirl squeal* OME! *sits*

Rob: Hello.

MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles and various friends: *faint*

Rob: I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week.

Kristen: *remaining brain cells die*

Rob: You really stunk.

Kristen: ?

Rob: uh... I mean.... I'm Edward Cullen.

Kristen: *Her brain's answering machine* I'm sorry. Kristen cannot come to the real world right now. She had either... a) received a present. b) been bitten by a evil vampire or c) had a hot guy speak to her. Either way, she's in Kristen-land, a magical place where unicorns roam free and she can actually act. BEEEEEEP!

Rob: *sticks 'My name is ….' sticker on Kristen's shirt* You're Bella?

A random geek hired by Catherine: *emerges from lab with a small person in his hand* Run free little one! I have christened you Frank and you shall now serve your purpose!

Frank: Cheers. *hops into Kristen's mouth and starts moving lips and doing Kristen voice*

Kristen (but really Frank) : Um... Yes.

Geek: *wipes tear* They grow up so fast.


	9. Kristen chokes on a lemon

Kristen: *wakes up from her 'OMG! A MALE JUST SPOKE TO ME!' trance*

Frank (The lil man in her mouth) : This isn't going to be pretty....

Kristen: EWWW! THERE'S A LITTLE MAN IN MY MOUTH!!! *spits out Frank* Leave! Now! I BANISH you!

Frank: *jumps out* Sniff. I had somewhere to be anyway. *runs off to the rejected-little-people convention*

Catherine: Er... Lets take this from the top.... Kristen, please try to remain conscious this time. ACTION!

Rob: *moves like a stiff robot on drugs to face Kristen* Hello.

Kristen: *under breath* Stay conscious....Stay conscious...

Rob: I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week.

Edward: I was too busy trying not to kill you.

Bella: *nods approvingly* That's hot.

Rob: I'm Edward Cullen.

Edward: *giggles*

Catherine: What, Edward?

Edward: Its just...*snickers* He is SO NOT me!

Catherine: *rolls eyes*

Rob: You're Bella?

Kristen: Umm...*searches inside brain*

Bella: *picks up megaphone* LOCK IN 'D'!

Kristen:....Yes?

Bella: *puts head in hands* Wrong. This girl is hopeless.

Rob: *starts pulling microscope towards self* Ladies first..?

Kristen: You were gone.

Rob: Uh...yeah...I was outta town for a couple of days.... *hides bag of tampons behind back* Personal reasons.

Emmett: He he. Rob got his period!

Rob: Are you enjoying the rain? *Thinks back to fun times of frolicking in the rain*

Kristen: *snorts like a hyperventilating pig*

Rob: CUT! Kristen has something in her eye!

Kristen: No I don't!

Rob: Then why were you blinking so much? Eyelash?

Kristen: ITS WHAT THE SAID TO DO IN 'ACTING FOR DUMMIES', OK? It makes you look all surprised!

*awkward silence*

Bella: I _told _you she was an idiot.

Alice: *goes all blanky faced* Bella's right. Hair NIGHTMARE! In the future, she's going to cut and dye her hair so she has a black mullet.

*collective gasps*

Catherine: ACTION! Please! Just go!

Kristen: *glares at Rob one last time* You're asking me about the weather?

Edward: See, that was my first mistake. I should've asked her about politics. We all know what a swot she is...

Renee: I second that.

Rob: Am I? Oh yup. Yes. I guess I am.

Kristen: Well...I don't really like the rain.

Rob: Not even frolicking in it?

Kristen: Any cold....wet thing...I don't really....*chokes on piece of lemon*

Rob: *pats her on back*

Kristen: *makes face* Thanks.

Rob: *smiles*

Kristen: What? _Anyone smiling obviously has something terribly, terribly wrong with them..._


	10. Victory is Kristen's

_**Previously....**_

_Kristen: Any cold....wet thing...I don't really....*chokes on piece of lemon*_

_Rob: *pats her on back*_

_Kristen: *makes face* Thanks._

_Rob: *smiles*_

Kristen: What? _Anyone smiling obviously has something terribly, terribly wrong with them..._

*

Rob: *stops fantasizing about a Kristen/Rob/Lemon threesome* Nothing...

Kristen: _And now to make ze 'sexy face' _*bites lip*

Jasper: *chanting under his breath* Break the skin....break the skin...

Kristen's tooth: *reads New Moon* Blah blah blah.....suicidal Edward...cake and pressies....Jasper lunges at her...Eddie l-...JASPER LUNGES AT HER!? Hell, no. *does not break the skin*

Jasper: *puts down knife and fork* Sigh.

Rob: Its...Anaphase. _Hmmm...who is this Anna girl?What of her face?_

Kristen: You mind if I check it? _I'm pretty sure its Kristenface, I'm far pr...Oh. _*tries to hold on to last piece of dignity, currently struggling in her hands* Its Annaphase.

Rob: Like I said. _Mmmm, Anna. Anna and her yummy face...._

Kristen: _Stupid Anna...Gah, bet she's a blonde._

Rob: So if you hate the rain so much, why'd you move to the wettest place in the continental US?

Edward: *whispers* he already knows. I caught him reading her diary earlier....

Bella: *whispers back* And whats with the continental thing? Are they saying that our country is soup? As in 'Continental cup of soup'?

Alice: Idiot.

Kristen: Its...complicated.

Rob: *hums under breath 'Complicated' by Avril Lavinge* I'm sure I can keep up. _I mean, I'm not the one who needed 'Acting for Dummies' to get me through this...._

Kristen: Ummm...Well, my Mom remarried and... *shrugs*

Bella: The rest should tell itself. Its not like anyone _doesn't _know my life story.

Rob: Sooo, You don't like the guy..or? _Excellent. Everybody hates Phil. Lets get him out of the picture and I'll make my moves and sweet, sweet Renee....After Anna of course._

Kristen: Oh, no..Ya know. Phil's really nice. *stares creepily at Rob's eyes*

Rob: *tries to hide tears by looking into microscope* Its...sob...M-m-metaphase. Y-you wanna check it? _Stupid Phil._

Kristen: Oh no. I'll believe you.

Bella: I was getting pretty tired by then. Really couldn't be stuffed doing any more work to be honest...

Skipping hand in hand down hallway. Oh, wait. Noooo, they were just walking.

Rob: *takes out journalist notebook* So, why didn't you move with your mother and...Ph...Phi...Phil?

Kristen: Well, Phil's a minor league baseball player. He travels a lot.

Rob: _Excellent, separate him from Renee and BAM! She mine..._

Kristen: My Mom stayed with me, but I knew it was making her unhappy _Three's a crowd...._ so.....I figured I'd spend some time with my Dad.

Rob: And now... You're unhappy? _Stupid Phil. Makes everyone sad. Growl._

Kristen: No!

Rob: I'm sorry... _ha ha, so not do you SEE sorrow on my face? No. _I'm just trying to figure you out. You're very difficult for me to read.... _What is she? Like 6 year old level? So...Difficult...._

Kristen: Hey, did you get contacts?

Rob: _Oh yeah. The convo was sooooo leading up to there..._No...

Kristen: Your eyes were black the last time I saw you....Now they're like...golden brown! _Mmmm...Reminds me of pudding...._

Rob: Um, yeah, its.... _An ilooooooosion! _The florescence. *storms off*

Kristen: Ha! He didn't even get his turn at holding the golden onion! Victory is MINE!


	11. YOU'RE ALL SUPER GYMNASTS! Take 2

**OHMYGOSH! I'm SORRY! I didn't save the last chap before I uploaded it so it was only half done! SORRY! This is the real one. Enjoy xxx**

Kristen: *walks to car dancing to i pod* la la la, Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't ya wish she had a golden onion like me?

Bella: *pouts* How dare she flaunt it? _I'm _the one who has the REAL golden onion! DON'T I EDWARD! I WON IT! DIDN'T I EDWARD?!

Edward: Well, technically _I _won it, since I answered most of the questions and you just sat there asking me if I was asking you about the weather....

Bella: *kicks Edward*

Edward: Uh, I mean, you did it all by yourself, honey....While cooking a complicated, exotic dish from scratch...And also while battling your way through a snowstorm....without a jacket.

Rob: *leans on car and stares at Kristen sexily*

Kristen: _La la la, I've decided to rearrange my schoolbag while standing in the rain, instead of doing it in my warm car. Because _I _have common sense!_

Guy who played Tyler (GWPT): *is trying to make a sandwich while driving* Lil bit of ketchup... AH! *swerves* Must. Aim. For. Most. Pathetic. Person. In. Parking. Lot.... *turns wheel frantically*

Kristen: _La la...Books books...AH! _*turns around (because apparently thats the most sensible thing to do in this situation. Not run away, but to turn around so you get a better look at the car about to hit you*

Rob: NOT KRISTEN! IF SHE DIES, THEY MIGHT GET AN ACTRESS WHO CAN ACTUALLY _ACT! _THEN I'LL LOOK BAD! *grabs Kristen around waist and looks deeply into her eyes*

Bella: *stuffs blood flavoured popcorn into mouth* So suspenseful! What will happen to our heros next?

Edward: Bella, we know what happens, the heroes are US!

Bella: *sighs* Yes. I can relate to them too.

Rob: *sticks out hand* Ow! Thats gonna leave a blister...

GWPT: *spills ketchup over forehead*

Rob: *jumps over back of cars* Oooo! SKILL!

Anna and posse: *half heartedly rush over* *in flat voice* Oh. Poor. Bella. Are. You. Ok?

Kristen: _How did he DO that? I mean, jumping over the back of cars with such grace? It's just not natural. I must investigate...._

In hospital...

Billy: Bella! *points at GWPT* You and I are gonna talk! _I want half of that sandwich.... _

Kristen: Dad, it's ok.

Billy: Sure as hell is not ok! _I'm hungry, dammit! I need my sandwich!_

Peter: *crashes through door* I heard the Cheif's daughter was in!

Billy: Ah! Doctor Cullen! _I wonder if he has food..._

Peter: Isabella... _Fun to say that. Issssaaaabella. Isabeellllaaaaa. Is- _Ahem Looks like you took quite a spill. *tries to blind with torch*

Jacob: Why is he playing spotlight with her eyes?

Peter: Your vitals look good.... _Except for that twitch your eye has, probably some weird undiscovered disease that will kill you someday. Meh. Best not to mention it.... _I think you'll be just fine. *smiles reassuringly while really thinking 'She's gonna di-e, die de die die die die....'*

Kristen: You know, it would've been a whole lot worse if Edward hadn't been there. He pushed me out of the way. _The did that weird jumpy over the back of the cars thing...._

Peter: Sounds like you were very lucky.

Kristen: _I KNOW YOUR SECRET! YOU'RE ALL SUPER GYMNASTS!_


	12. Bella Swan's life long to do list

*Nikki, Rob and Peter are talking in hushed tones*

Rob: Look, she's hot ok? I wanted to like, impress her.

Nikki: *scowls* This isn't just about you. This is about all of us. What if she knows our secret? If she knows that we're super gymnasts, she'll want to join our group!

Rob: Is that really such a bad thing? _Mmmm, Kristen in tight, lycra gymnastic outfit..._

Nikki: How are we supposed to win any competitions with that...thing bringing us down? I bet she can't even do a cartwheel....

Peter: _INTRUDER! INTERUDER! _I think we should take this to my office... *points at Kristen who is rather obviously hiding in a bush*

Kristen: Uh... *picks leaves out of hair* Can I talk to you for a minute?

Nikki: *face lights up* Why, sure Bella! I'd-.....Oh. You meant him. *pouts*

Rosalie: And _thats _the real reason I hate Bella.

Bella: Hat_ed, _Rose. Past tense.

Rosalie: No. Hate. Present tense. And don't call me Rose.

Bella: Rosie?

Rosalie: No.

Bella: Sis?

Rosalie: No.

Bella: Blondie?

Rosalie: Sure.

Bella:*gasps happily* Really?

Rosalie: No.

Rob: What do you want?

Kristen: How did you... How did you get to me so fast? _Are you a cheetah as well as a super gymnast?_

Rob: But I was standing right next to you Bella. _Trying to oh so subtly slip my number into your pocket like a good over-obsessed co-star should._

Kristen: No. You were next to your car. Across the lot.

Rob: N-no I wasn't. _Oh noes! My love is developing short term memory loss! _

Kristen: _*_is starting to remember that he actually _was _right next to her* _No way does Kristen STEWART admit that she was wrong. _Yes you WERE!

Rob: Bella, you hit your head. I think you're confused.

Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: Well _I _think you're retarded.

Nikki: Well _I _think you're a slut. ROB'S MINE!

Renee: Well _I _think she's an annoying swot.

Rob: *shrugs* I just think she's sexy.

Kristen: *ignores everyone* I know what I saw!

Rob: And what exactly was that? *crosses fingers behind back* _Please say a unicorn. Please say a unicorn.... _

Kristen: You...you stopped the van! You pushed it away with your hand. _And I'm pretty sure I saw a unicorn there too..._

Rob: Well, no-one is going to believe you. I mean... Us? Super gymnasts? The very idea! Pfff!

Catherine: We'll edit that last bit out...

Kristen: I wasn't going to tell anyone. _I just thought I'd take a few videos of you practising. Maybe put them on youtube... _I just need to know the truth.

Random person: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Rob: You aren't going to let this go are you?

Kristen: *clutches disappointment tighter* No.

Rob: Well then I hope you enjoy disappointment. *stalks off to do cartwheels somewhere*

Kristen: *calls after him* I DON'T NEED YOUR CONSIDERATION!

Edward: *mutters* It's a good thing she's pretty, coz she sure ain't smart.

Bella: _Le gasp! _Y-you think she's pretty!?

Edward: N-no, that's not what I said....

Bella: WHAT DID YOU SAY THEN EDWARD?! HUH?

Edward: I said she was..... gritty?

Bella: Oh ok then.

Edward: Phew. She bought it.

Bella: _*_giggles innocently to Edward* Yo, Catherine! Can I borrow a pen?

Catherine: Tee he. Bella said yo. *passes Bella a pen*

Bella: Thanks. *smiles innocently once more* Please excuse me. *runs off to a trailer and slams door*

And now to get out... BELLA SWAN'S LIFE LONG TO DO LIST! *takes out said list*

_Bella Swan's life long to-do-list _

_1. Win a really boring school prize at old school in Phoenix. - DONE!_

_2. Have no friends in Phoenix – DONE!_

_3. Get turned into vampire.- DONE!_

_4. Have a breakdown – DONE! x19_

_5. Kill Mike Newton – DONE! _

_ movie of life.– In progress_

_7. Ugly-o-fy Kristen Stewperd. - Number one priority...._


	13. KRISTEN HATES HOMELESS PEOPLE!

Catherine: Is that a chainsaw?

Kristen: *snores*

Bella: I DO NOT FREAKING SNORE! I'M A DAINTY LITTLE LAMB!

Kristen: *wakes up* _OMG! Stalker in my room! Stalker in my room! What do I DO!? Stop, drop and roll? Wait, no thats fire.... _*wakes up...again?* _So wait... I had a dream about waking up? _And that was the first night I dreamed of..._ waking up?... _Edward Cullen

_In school parking lot (you would've thought she'd have learnt her lesson by now, STAY AWAY FROM CARS KRISTEN!)_

Mr Molina: Busses! Stuff! Blah...blah...blah. God I hate my job...

Kristen: _Flashback! Sexy guy! Car! Vroom vroom!_

Michael: Look at you huh? _Mmm..look at you...Mmmm..._

Rob: *makes mental note to rip Michael's eyes out*

Michael: YOU'RE ALIVE!

Bella: *waves hand in air* OOO! OOO! I'm not!

Michael: You wanna go to prom?

Kristen: *blatantly ignores him and ogles at Rob instead*

Michael: So, what do you think?

Kristen: _You're a freak. Leave me alone. _Bout what?

Michael: Do you wanna go? To prom? With....

Kristen: _Edward? YES!_

Michael:....Me?

Kristen: _Ew. Excuse...excuse... _Prom. Dancing.

Michael: _No no, at prom we usually knit socks for the homeless._

Kristen: Not such a good idea for me.

Michael: _KRISTEN STEWART HATES HOMELESS PEOPLE!_

Kristen: I'm going to Jacksonville that weekend. Non-refundable ticket. Shame. But you should ask that hoe Jessica. I know she likes knitting socks.

Michael: _But she's not pretty.... _

_Somewhere, in a magical greenhouse far far away, Mr Molina is making COMPOST TEA!_

Mr Molina: *in flat monotone voice* This. Is. So. Fun.

Rob: What's in Jacksonville?

Kristen: _Duh. Jackson lives in Jacksonville._ How did you know about that?

Rob: You didn't answer my question. _Actresses. So rude._

Kristen: Well, you never answer any of mine. I mean, you don't even say hi to me. _Sure, you slip your phone number in my pocket like 100 times a day, but what happened to a good old fashioned 'Hi!' or even 'Sup!'_

Rob: Hi.

Kristen: Are you gonna tell me how you stopped the van?

Rob: _TAKE TAKE TAKE! THATS ALL YOU EVER DO! I SAID HI! NOW ANSWER MY QUESTION DAMMIT! _Yeah, I had an adrenaline rush. It's very common. You can google it.

Kristen: *prepares to run away and google it* Floridience (?). Thats's whats in Jacksonville. _Now, TO THE COMPUT-OOF! _*falls over*

Rob: Can you at least watch where you walk?

Kristen: _Can you at least...um... DAMN! STOP DAZZLING ME! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO THINK OF A COMEBACK WHEN YOU'RE BEING DAZZLED?_

Rob: Look, I'm sorry I'm being rude all the time, I just think it's the best way....

Anna: OMFG! MIKE ASKED ME TO PROM!

Jessica: *sniffs* My hair is supposed to be curly. CURLY!

Bella: *pats shoulder* Don't take it personally. These people suck at casting. *holds out blood popcorn* You want some?

Jessica: Oooo! Strawberry flavoured popcorn! Mmmm..EW! THIS ISN'T STRWABERRY!

Bella: Of course not. It's blood flavoured.

Jessica: THAT'S DISGUSTING! Whos' blood?

Bella: *leers at Jesscia* Do you feel...faint at all, Jess? Like maybe you've lost a little bit of....BLOOD?!

Jessica: *screams like MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles when she got her copy of Breaking Dawn* RUN AWAAAAY!

Edward: Bella, the blood in that popcorn is one hundred percent deer blood.

Bella: *shrugs* She was a bitch to me in high school.

Justin: LOOK BELLA! A WORM!

Kristen: *ignores because she is SUCH a nice, kind, sweet person..*

Rob: Bella! *runs after in slow motion* We shouldn't be friends. _I mean, we can be yoga buddies but that's my limit. _

Kristen: You really should've figured that out a little earlier.

Rob: _Ok, it is SO not my fault that I'm mentally restarted and a little slow!_

Kristen: I mean, why didn't you just let the van crush me and save yourself and MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles all this...regret?!

Everyone: Yes Edward, why didn't you let the van crush her? _WHY?! WHY!_

Edward: Coz she's pweettty!

Bella: OME! I just remembered! Pretty! Kristen is pretty! MUST...UGLY-O-FY HER!

Kristen: EEEEP!

Bella: *shaves Kristen's hair* Is she pretty now Edward?

Edward: Um....

Kristen: *is frantically waving her arms and mouthing 'SAY NO DAMMIT!'*

Edward: No?

Bella: *smirks* My work here is done.

Rob: *collects Kristen's hair for his shrine*


	14. Rob: AKA Big Bad Wolf

Kristen: *walks into kitchen* _Oh God, HE'S here! _*tries to walk back out again*

Billy: Your Mom called. Again.

Kristen: Aw! Did she want to know how schools going?

Billy: No.

Kristen: Does she want to have a girly heart to heart about hot boys?

Billy: Noooo....

Kristen: *in monotone voice* The car thing right?

Billy: No! Ha ha. Ok, yes.

Kristen: Well, it's your own fault. You shouldn't have told her about the 'almost accident'.

Catherine: Ooo! It has a name now! The 'almost accident'. It has a certain ring to it.

Billy: Phil sounds dreamy!

Kristen: ?

Billy: *coughs* Uh..I...mean.. *Rough 'man voice* Phil seems like a alright guy. _Mmmm...Abs..._

Kristen: *runs tap, trying to drown out sound of Billy talking* Yeah. He is.

Billy: Mom sounds happy now.

Kristen: Yeah, that happened after you got the hell out of the picture. *dreamy voice* I remember when _I _used to be happy...

The Cafetaria....OF DOOM! 

Justin (Eric): Blah...blah...blah....LA PUSH!

Kristen: Should I know what that means or can I just continue to ignore you?

Micheal: It's a beach.

Kristen: *A big question mark appears above head*

Michael: Ya know...beach.... sand...waves...big Native American dudes who refuse to cut their hair...

Kristen: JAKEY POO!

Justin: We're all going surfing! *Surfin' Safari plays in background* And I don't just surf the internet!

Anna: Eric, you stood up once. And It was a foam board.

Bella: Well, DUH! What else would a board be made out of? Plastic? *snorts* Ha ha ha

Kristen: Ooo! Salad!

Rob: *struts over to salad bar and pouts like a male model* Sup homeslice.

Kristen: GASP! Someone is speaking to me! *drops apple in surprise*

Rob: _Ha. I could totally just let it fall to the ground right now and it would be bruised and disgusting. But I won't. Coz she's hot. _*bounces apple off foot* Skill!

Kristen: *does not clap even though Rob is holding a sign above his head that says 'Clap!'*

Rob: Aw come one!

Kristen: Your mood swings are giving my pale, perfect, sensitive skin whiplash.

Rob: Naw. That's just the wind. Bella's blowing a fan into your face so that your wig will be messed up for the next scene.

Bella: *throws fan into a bush* That's ridiculous.

Catherine: Bella! Shut up! Rob, line please.

Rob: Ahem. Ok, Bella lets just get this straight. I'm scary, ok? Bad guy! No superman. I am the joker.

Kristen: But _you_ never joke.

Rob: Ok...The...I'm Voldemort.

Kristen: _You_ have a nose. And hair.

Rob: I'm the big bad wolf.

MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: You actually have no idea how much of a turn on that is.

Rob: Fine! I have the PERFECT one! I'm DRACULA!

Kristen: You're not. *kind, loving voice* I can see what you're trying to put off. And it's not just your terrible body odor either. But it's just to keep people away from you. It's a mask. *rips cheap Frankenstein mask off Rob* See?

Rob: OW! YOU JUST RIPPED OFF MY FACE BITCH!

Kristen: Oh, shit. *puts Rob's face back on*

Rob: Thanks.

Kristen: Come hang out with me and my loser friends. We're all going to make sandcastles tomorrow. Come.

Rob: Which beach?

Kristen: Ha ha. I'd like to 'La Push' you off a cliff.

Rob: Huh?

Kristen: Sigh. La Push.

Rob: Oh. No. It's too crowded.

_Scene flashes too a completely deserted beach._

Bella: *laughs hysterically* HA HA! She just got blown off with a totally crap excuse! Shame! *spots piece of paper on Edward's chair* Ooo... a note from Eddiekins!

_Bella,_

_I haven't just left you because you're slightly insane, scare me sometimes and I needed to run away for a while. I've just gone to.... Mc Donalds to eat a Big Mac. Yeah. See ya soon!_

_X _

_Edward_

Bella: Oh. Ok. *goes back to laughing at Kristen for getting blown off with such an obviously bogus excuse* Ha.


	15. Kristen and Taylor go for walkies

Anna: But it's so COLD!

Catherine: *stuffs her into a wetsuit* But you LIKE cold things! Pretend you're in Edward Cullen's cold arms!

Edward: Ok, that is SO unfair! I'm working on the whole 'coldness' thing. *holds up electric blankets* Ah, sweet warm!

Christian: Eric keeps rejecting me. *pouts*

Kristen: It's because of those ugly glasses you insist on wearing! Gosh! Guys don't like geeks! Change yourself!

Christian: ?

Kristen: *mumbles* I...mean...STRONG! INDEPENDANT! WOMAN! *_Sisters are Doin' it for themselves_ starts playing* Yum. Liquorice.

Taylor: Yo! Bell Dawg! Meet my posse!

Kristen: Jacob! My-childhood-friend-who-I-have-no-feelings-for-whatsoever-at-this-current-point-in-time!

Anna: Keep Bella company _because we don't want too _because her date bailed.

Justin: WHAT DATE!? _I'll hunt him down and kill him! KILL HIM I SAY!_

Anna: She invited Edward.

Justin: _Kay, maybe not..._

Kristen: To be polite, that's it!

*Everyone stares at her skeptically*

Kristen: Ok, so I like his hair.

*More staring*

Kristen: And his abs...

*And...continuation with the staring..*

Kristen: THE GUYS SO HOT! OK? HE'S SEX ON LEGS!

Anna: _That's what I thought..._

Christian: I think it's nice she invited him.

Kristen: _Yeah, but you think EVERYTHING'S nice..._

Christian: Nobody ever does.

Micheal: Yeah, coz Cullen's a freak! _I freak with such a hot body...Mmm.._

Bad-Actor-Guy: You got that right!

_Bella takes her dog for walkies_

Jacob: Ok, that's mean. I don't go for 'walkies'! _Much..._

Kristen: STORYTIME!

Taylor: Ok, did you know that Quileutes are supposedly descended from... _Pixies. No, wait, no need to let her in on the _finer _tribe secrets..._ Wolves?

Kristen: Wolves? Like, real wolves?

MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: No! PLUSHIE WOLVES!

Kristen: OME! Seriously?

Taylor: PAY ATTENTION! There's a pop quiz on this later!

Kristen: Kay.

Taylor: The Cullens are vampires. They drink blood. Animal blood.

Kristen: Strange...I seem to be having some kind of...

Taylor: VAMPIRES! VAMPIRES! VAMPIRES!

Kristen:....epiphany...

Taylor: *in opera voice* VAMPS! VAMPS! THE CULLENS ARE VAMPS!

Kristen: I have this little suspicion that the Cullens could possibly be....

Taylor: VAMPIRES! THE CULLENS ARE VAMPIRES!

Kristen: Vampires.... But it's just a hunch.

Taylor: I give up.


	16. Hames? Games? Rames? Chames?

Waylon: *sings along to ipod* Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone, I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run...you'll be the prince....

Catherine: Ok, this was DEFINETLY not the song I picked out....

Bushes: Rustle rustle

Crows: Skwark! Skwark!

_And all creepy noises in general are made..._

Waylon: *pauses Ipod* Hello? Hello?

Bella: ITS BEHIND YOU! BEHIND YOU!

Waylon: Hello? *turns around*

Bella: Ha ha. FOOL!

Rachelle: *pulls back boat* Sup.

Waylon: Well, Hello there. _Ha ha GINGA NINJA!_

Cam: Nice Jacket. _I want it. I want it so bad..._

Waylon: W-who are you?_ Wait...No...Don't tell me.... Hames? Games? Rames? Chames?_

Cam: It's always the same inane questions. Who are you?

Waylon: Waylon.

Rachelle: What do you want?

Waylon: *holds up fishing rod* Fish!

Cam: Why are you doing this?

Waylon: Is this a test? Because I didn't study. _And I still haven't figured out your name. Pames? Tames? Wait! I've got it! J-_

Edi: James....

Waylon: I had it! But old Jamaica over here stole it!

Edi: Lets not play with our food.

Waylon: *shocked expression*

Catherine: And....CUT! That was beautiful.

Cam: *mutters* I still want that jacket....

_Meanwhile, in Bella's room..._

Kristen: *typing into Google* Adrenaline...rush.... Ah. Here we go....

Catherine: That'd be really clever, BUT HE HASN'T SAID THAT LINE YET!

Edward: Catherine, I NEVER said that line. Why is it in the movie?

Catherine: It's funny.

Edward: Not really.

Catherine: Ok, just because you're an 108 year old with no sense of humor, DOSN'T MEAN THE REST OF THE WORLD CAN'T HAVE A GOOD CHUCKLE!

Kristen: Dunna dunna dunna dunna....RESEARCH!

_Lunchtime...._

Anna: They aren't here. Whenever the weather's nice the Cullen's disappear.

Kristen: _To go on trapezes...THE SUPER GYMNAST THEORY STILL STANDS! _What, do they just ditch?

Anna: Nah, Dr and Mrs Cullen yank them out

Kristen: Sounds painful.

Anna: For hiking and camping and stuff.

Christian: I'm going to the prom with....ERIC!

Anna and Kristen: *monotone voices* My my. What an achievement.

Christian: I asked him! I took control!

Kristen: You do realise, that when I said to ask him out, I WAS JOKING! Right?

Anna: Lets go shopping.

Kristen: Can I come?

Anna: *cough* Nowayslut *cough*

Christian: Yeah! I need your opinion!

Anna: Like she'll know anything about dresses...mutter mutter....probably try and get you to buy a book instead....mutter mutter.

_Shopping time!_

Anna: Omg! My boobs look smokin'!

Kristen: And yet, Rob still likes me better....

Anna: I hate you more than you will ever know.

Bella: *evil laugh* Excellent. Another member added to the 'I hate Kristen' club. Soon I shall have an army, then, WE WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!


	17. OMFG! PLOT TWIST!

Anna: Ok, what do you think?

Kristen: Too pink.

Anna: What about this one?

Kristen: Too blue.

Anna: It's red.

Kristen: Yes. Yes it is.

Christian: Hey, Jess, like it? Is this the one? Is this my colour?

Anna: Yeah! Ooo, and I like that dusty rose one too.

Bella: *blank look* How can a rose...be dusty?

Anna: This one makes my boobs look good!

Kristen: No, it makes you look like a slut.

Random Guy 1: Hey! Nice!

Random Guy 2: *flicks window*

Kristen: THAT'S DISGUSTING!

Christian: Yeah, the way he flicked the window like that, it _was _pretty vulgar.

Kristen: Actually, I was talking about your dress. *pretends to vomit*

Catherine: THIS SCENE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIGHT AND HAPPY AND FRIENDSHIPPY!

Catherine's 'vision': *dies*

Kristen: *is oblivious of Christian and Anna's glares of hatred* I need to go buy books. Because I'm a geek. So....bye.

_Inside a weird book store (The sky has abruptly become dark. How very realistic)_

BookstoreOwner: THE CULLEN'S ARE THE COLD ONES!

Kristen: Thanks for the book.

BookstoreOwner: LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT IS IN PERIL!

Kristen: Ta ta....

BookstoreOwner: DON'T GO OUTSIDE! YOU'RE IN DANGER! DAAANGER! MY TEA LEAVES NEVER LIE!

Kristen: *goes outside* La la la...walk walk walk..... OOOO! A dark alleyway!

Bella: IDIOT! Never go down dark alleyways at night! YOU'RE SO STUPID!

Edward: Love, that's exactly what you did....

Bella: Yes, but I did it in STYLE!

Edward: I don't see how that lessens the stupidity of the action.

Bella: I do.

Random Guy 2: Hey! It's the girl from the dress store! Wanna hang?

Kristen: OH EM GEE! STRANGER DANGER! DON'T TOUCH ME!

Random Guy 4: O...kay...All we were asking is if you wanted to hang....

Kristen: *goes all kung-fu-panda on their asses*

Rob: Woooohooooo! Wheely! Don't worry sweetums! I'm coming!

Kristen: _Oh GREAT. He's here...._

Rob: Get in the car.

Kristen: Say please.

Rob: Wh...NO! Just get in the car.

Kristen: *raises eyebrows*

Rob: I'm not saying please! That's SO uncool!

Kristen: Manners are important.

Rob: Ugh....Fine...P...lease.

Kristen: In a full sentence.

Rob" *sighs* _Please _get in the car, Kristen.

Kristen: Much better. *skips to Volvo*

Emmett: WHOOP-A!

Everyone: ?

Emmett: It means whipped.

Jasper: No, dude. Whipped is, HWICK-CHA!

Jacob: No, it's more like.....SWISH-ICK!

Edward: He's not whipped. Just really, really gay.

Rob: Ok, how am I supposed to appear intimidating to a group of rapists if you guys are doing this?

Catherine: I agree. Silence.

Rob: *does that thing from high school musical* Brrrr! Brrr! MAH! MAH! Ok. I'm ready. *attempts scary face by puckering lips*

Random Guy 1: Um....Ok, I don't know _why _you're sucking on a sour lolly at a time like this.....

Random Guy 2: But we didn't do anything remotely cruel to your girlfriend all we were....

Random Guy 3: ….doing was asking her if she wanted to hang. Besides, we don't even like her that way because....

Random Guy 4: ….We're gay! *rips open shirt to reveal rainbow coloured t-shirt*

Bella: OMFG! PLOT TWIST!

Catherine: I wish people would stop saying things that aren't in the script....

Rob: *gets into car with Kristen* Yeah, they were hard core gang members. But I gave them a talking to.... *sniffs* They shouldn't be a problem anymore.

Kristen: Um, you do know you car isn't soundproof, right?


	18. Crybabies

_The Volvo pulls up outside a tacky, cheap-looking restaurant..._

Rob: My GOD I'm so hungry! Lets go eat.

Catherine: No! Rob, you're a VAMPIRE! You don't eat. Ever.

Rob: But I get cake right?

Catherine: *wags finger in Rob's face* No. No cake either.

Rob: Oh.....

Anna and Christian: WHERE WERE YOU!?

Kristen: Oh you know, hanging out. Being cool, all that shizz.

Rob: She almost got raped by gay guy gang members, commonly known as the GGG, I had to go save her. She cried like a little girl.

Kristen: I did not CRY!

Rob: You so totally did.

Kristen: I didn't! That's a complete lie!

Rob: *pours bucket of water over Kristen's head* See? Tears.

Bella: Oh my gosh! What a cry-baby! *points and laughs*

Kristen: What? You just SAW him pour water over me!

Catherine: Ok, can we PLEASE get on with it? Kristen, stop crying, we have a movie to film.

Kristen: I AM NOT CRYING!

Rob: Sorry I kept the cry baby from dinner. We sort of just ran into each other and got crying...I mean talking.

Anna: Oh no, we totally understand. I mean, that happens, right? She's always crying with us. I remember this one time, Mike rejected her and.....

Kristen: ARGH!

Rob: I think I'd better make sure Bell gets something to eat, or she'll get hungry.....and cry.

Anna: Oh. Ok. We'll see you...tomorrow.

Kristen: Ok.....

_In the restaurant..._

Waitress: Here you go. I bought it as fast as I could so you wouldn't feel the need to cry about it.

Kristen: *glares at Rob* What did you do? Tell the whole TOWN I was a cry baby?

Rob: Ah, so you admit to it now?

Catherine: ARGH! THE SCRIPT! FOLLOW THE SCRIPT!

Kristen: You're really not going to eat?

Rob: No. I'm on a special diet...of your tears. They're a plentiful food resource.

Kristen: You've gotta give me some answers.

Rob: Yes. No. To get to the other eye. 1.77245....

MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: I've always wanted to know, what questions were those the answers to?

Rob: Easy. Is Kristen a crybaby? (Yes) Is she ever NOT a crybaby? (No) Why did one of Kristen's tears jump? (To get to the other eye) And...How many seconds can Kristen go without crying? (1.77245)

Kristen: *tackles Rob*

Catherine: Ok, take five everyone.

_Still in the restaurant, Rob now has a black eye and isn't looking happy...._

Rob: *glares at Kristen* I can read every mind in this room apart from yours.

Kristen: Is there something wrong with me?

Rob: Yes.

Catherine: Robert.....

Rob: *sighs* See, I tell you I can read minds and you think there's something wrong with _you_?

Kristen: Yes?

Rob: Good. Because there is. No good, rotten, violent girl.......HOW DO YOU HIT SO HARD!?

Kristen: Are you...crying?


	19. EDWARD! FEET! SAME THING!

Kristen: So...hot....in...car....

Rob: Its payback for hitting me in the restaurant. *turns up heater* BURN KRISTEN! BURN!

Kristen: *flesh melts off face* Ok, I think I'm warm enough now.

_In slow motion, Rob and Kristen both reach for the heater switch...._

Rob: NOOOOO

Kristen: NOOOO! *stops* Your hand. Its so cold!

Rob: *hides bowl of ice cream behind back* yes....yes that WAS my hand you touched. Quite right.

Kristen: Hey look! My dad's car is at his work! How very out of the ordinary! Let's pull in!

Rob: My car, my rules. *speeds up*

Catherine: Actually, the car belongs to Summit Entertainment.

Rob: Hmph...*pulls in* Hey! My father's here too...Hmmm...Charlie and Carlisle. Alone at the police station late at night....

Kristen: Is that...Does that mean....

Both: WE'RE GOING TO BE STEP-SIBLINGS!

Carlisle: *chokes on blood flavoured popcorn*

Charlie: I thought you said no-one had a clue!

Carlisle: How was_ I _supposed to know they caught onto us?

Bella: IS THIS TRUE!? ARE YOU TWO...TOGETHER?

Edward: Ok, seriously, what's with all the homos in this parody? That's like, six now.

Charlie: *throws hand over face in dramatic pose* Yes. It's true.

Carlisle: *brings out little bundle wrapped in blanket* Meet the child that we had together, Charlisle.

Bella and Edward: *faint*

Carlisle: *throws fake baby in the dumpster* Ok, Emmett, pay up.

Emmett: *hands Charlie and Carlisle hundred dollar notes* Worth every penny.

Catherine: ARE WE FILMING THE TWILIGHT MOVIE OR WHAT?

Harry Potter: _Twilight _movie? Whoops, sorry, wrong set....*exits*

Rob: Carlisle, what's going on?

Peter: Waylon Forbes was found in a boat out near his place. I just examined the body.

Kristen: He _died_?

Peter: No, no. He was quite fine, just playing a quiet game of sudoku. I needed to do a check-up, that's all.

Kristen: What happened?

Peter: Animal attack *deep and meaningful look at Edward*

Kristen: Yes, yes. But what _sort _of animal attacked him?

Peter: Does it matter?

Kristen: YES! Wait, don't tell me, was it a...duck?

Bella: Quack.

Peter: No.

Kristen: Llama?

Bella: HEEEEEHAAAAW

Peter: No. Bella you should go ins-

Kristen: Beaver?

Peter: GO INSIDE YOU FREAK!

Kristen: *smiles smugly* Knew it was a beaver.... *waves at Rob* See ya later.

Rob: Hope not.

_Inside the police station...._

Billy: Sob.

Kristen: Oh come ON! He wasn't THAT great!

Billy: *glares*

Kristen: I...mean...sorry for the loss of your dear friend?

Billy: I've known him going on twenty y-

Kristen: Times a'wastin! Let's go home. I'm hungry. You're cooking. La la la la.... *skips out of door*

_Outside, a certain dead pair of feet catch Bella's attention..._

Kristen: FEET! EDWARD! EDWARD! FEET! SAME THING! *overwhelming flashbacks*

Edward: Ok, I'm confused. Should I be offended that dead feet make her think of me?

Bella: Nah. It's just her way of saying she likes you.


	20. Rob's BellyButton

Kristen: *opens new tab on computer with _Google _on it*

Rob: OH EM EFF GEE! SHE ACTUALLY LISTENED TO ME! SH'ES GOOGLING ADRENALINE RUSHES! AHHHH!

Kristen: *mutters as she types* Quileute....Legends...

Rob: Oh.

Edward: Huh. Wow. Kristen can spell 'Quileute'. That's pretty impressive for someone of her brain size.

Kristen: *smiles proudly* I spelled a big word.

*Many images flash up on the screen...*

Kristen: Hmmm...I'm starting to think this movie might have something to do with vampires....seeing as the web pages are all about them. *big neon banner flashes saying 'THE CULLENS ARE VAMPIRES! THE CULLEN'S ARE VAMPIRES! THEY DRINK BLOOD!"*

*crickets chirp*

Bella: Any day now...

*crickets die peacefully of old age in their sleep*

Kristen: OMG! The Cullen's are vampires!

*Even the Cullen's have died of old age. Which is impossible, but that's how long she was taking*

_At school..._

Kristen: *brushes past Rob*

Rob: OI! Watch where you're going, freak!  
Catherine: No, Rob, she wants you to follow her.

Rob: That makes no sense.

Bella: Pfff! Yes it does. Brushing past someone OBVIOUSLY translates as 'follow me!'. Duh.

_In the forest...._

Kristen: Seriously, what kind of school has a forest in it?

Catherine: We've got a movie to shoot people! Say your line!

Kristen: You're impossibly fast. And strong.

Bella: *crosses 'Michael Jackson' off her _List of things Edward Could Be*_

Kristen: Your skin is pale white....

Bella: YEAH! Go put some foundation on, dammit!

Kristen: And ice cold.

Bella: *crosses 'Jacob' off her _List of things Edward Could Be*_

Kristen: I know what you are.

Bella: According to my list, this only leaves on more option of what you could be...

Edward: Bella, you already _know _what I am. I'm a-

Bella: SHHH! DON'T SPOIL THE ENDING!

Rob: Say it. Out loud.

Kristen: Well how else I'm I gonna say it?

Rob: In loud.

Kristen: Whatevs. Ok. You're...A Vampi-

Bella: YODA!

Everyone: WHAT?!

Bella: Oh come on! Look at him and tell me he doesn't resemble a short, wrinkly, green little alien elf guy!

Edward: You have no idea how offended I am right now.

Rob: *grabs Kristen's arm* Come on. Let's go get a milkshake.

Kristen: AH! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?!

Rob: I told you. We're going to get mil- *Catherine hits Rob with stick* ...out of the cloud bank?

Bella: OMG! There's a bank for clouds now? That's SO cool! I always wondered where they stored their money..

Rob: YOU NEED TO SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE IN THE SUNLIGHT!

Kristen: Dude. Chill. Just use _Johnson's Holiday Skin _if you want a tan that badly.

Rob: *gives Kristen piggy back ride of DOOM!* Ok, we're heeee-eeere!

Kristen: Wow. Trees.

Rob: GET THE HELL OFF MY BACK, WOMAN! *throws Kristen off back and winks at camera* Literally.

Bella: Yeah, yeah. Stick to sucky acting, buddy. The world doesn't need your sucky comedy attempts too.

Rob: *rips shirt open*

Everyone: OH DEAR _GOD_! IT'S HIDEOUS! *shields eyes at Rob's non-existent six pack*

Special Effects Team: *has fallen asleep*

Catherine: Crap. *turns on random bell noises to make up for lack of sparkling* There. All better.

Bella: OMG! *looks around* SANTA'S COMING! I CAN HEAR THE SLEIGH BELLS!

Rob: This is what I am.

Kristen: I just threw up in my mouth. Just a little bit.

Rob: *points to sweaty clump of hair near belly-button* Look at it! LOOK AT IT!


	21. ATTENTION STUDENTS OF FORKS HIGH!

**Yeah, so I know I updated yesterday, but I really want to finish this before New Moon comes out (So then I can do "New Moon characters visit the set of NEW MOON!"( So, yeah, expect more updates!)**

_Kristen is randomly following Rob round forest. God can't that girl take a hint? HE'S TRYING TO DITCH YOU! _

Kristen: Rooooobert! Where are yooou?

Rob: *hides behind rock*

Kristen: THERE YOU ARE!

Catherine: Rob! She is your love! Do not hide from her!

Bella: *smirks at Kristen* MY Edward would never do something like that to me.

Edward: *has taken Rob's place behind giant rock* Maybe if I ignore her she'll disappear....

Bella: Yup. We have a bond that cannot be broken,

Rob: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

Kristen: OOO! Dibs on being the lion.

Rob: Aw! But I wanted to be the lion!

Kristen: Too bad.

Rob: Stupid lamb.

_And then they lay down in the meadow, blah blah blah. Yes, it's all very romantic getting your bum wet by sitting on wet grass...._

Kristen: About three things I was absolutely positive. One, Edward was a...

Bella: Yoda.

Kristen: Second, there was a part of him, and I wasn't sure how dominant that part might be, that thirsted for-

Rob: A milkshake. Mmmm....Milkshakes...

Kristen: And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with...

Carlisle: Carlisle.

_Forks High Parking Lot...._

Justin (Eric): OMGEE! PROM!

Anna (Jessica): What's the theme?

Justin: BATMAN!

Rob: *smiles smugly and picks up megaphone* ATTENTION STUDENTS OF FORKS HIGH!

Kristen: Oh dear God....

Rob: I SAY THIS TO EVERYONE IN THE PAST FEW YEARS WHO HAVE AVOIDED ME, CALLED ME A FEAK...

Angela: *raises hand* Guilty.

Rob:...AND MADE FUN OF MY AMAZING HAIR.

Anna: Get on with it already!

Rob: I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY... *grabs Bella and holds her to crowd like the baboon does with the baby lion in _The Lion King* _I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!

Kristen: You know, everyone is staring at us.

Rob: Not that guy... *throws stone at 'the guy'*

The Guy: *turns around* What the f-

Rob: *giggles girlishly* Oooo, wait, he just looked.

Kristen: Ugh. Not only does he have belly-button hair, he also throws stones at innocent stranfers. What. A. Catch.

Rob: I'm breaking all the rules now anyway, I'm going to HELL!

Kristen: You always were. That amount of belly button hair, it's gotta be a sin..

Rob: HEY! Don't hate the BB hair...

.


	22. Strike

**Hi Everyone,**

**As you might already be aware, an author on fanfiction named **_**WillBellaPleaseJustDIEAlready, **_**has copied TWO of my stories on her page (**_**Revenge is Sweeter **_**and **_**I Feel Like I Already Know You**_**). This is the first time I've had this problem, so I figured I'd PM her and nicely ask if she'd take them down.**

**She didn't.**

**She Pmed back saying that "She wouldn't take them down because her versions are better than my versions".**

**Now, I don't want to report her, 'cause I think It'd be a bit extreme (not to mention scary!) to involve the Fanfiction Team, so I figured I'd do this....**

**I'm asking YOU GUYS to all gang up on her. PM her telling her to take them down and maybe she'll do so. I think that if all my readers sent her messages, she'd have no choice but to take them down.**

**Until then, my stories are all on hold (AKA, I'm on strike). So the sooner you force her to take them down, the sooner I will update.**

**I'm sorry it had to come to this, guys.**

**PLEASE HELP ME!**

**-Lauren.**

**(MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles)**

**PS: Reminder....GO! PM HER NOW! FLY! BE PUSHY!**


	23. Bonjourno!

_Aaaand, it's time for Kristen and Rob to set an AMAZING example for kids everywhere by....ditching school! (Ok, so maybe it's the weekend, but we're just gonna pretend its not. Ok? Ok.)_

Kristen: So...does a person have to be...dying...to become like you?

Rob: Nah, *runs strikes pose infront of mirror* This level of beauty can be easily achieved by the simple miracle that is plastic surgery.

Kristen: Um...Yeah.... You do know I was talking about the vampire thing right?

Rob: *laughs nervously* Of course! Because....why would _I _get plastic surgery?! I'm only 23! Not a 56 year old who _looks _23 because he's had so many operations! How dare you even suggest that, Kristen?!?

Catherine: *rubs head* Can we just read the lines? Please?

Rob: *sighs* No. That. Is. Just. Carlisle. he. Would. Never. Do. This. To. Someone. Who. Had. Another. Choice.

Kristen: So. How. Long. Have. You. Been. Like. This?

Catherine: STOP WITH THE MONOTONE VOICES ALREADY! *takes large gulp for steaming cup of chamomile tea......and drugs*

Rob: Since 1918. That's when Carlisle found me.

*Creepy flashback of gay moment between Edward and Carlisle*

Kristen: OOOO! Juicy. What was it _like_?

All the Cullens: IT WAS SOOO FUN! EVERYTHING TASTES LIKE CANDYCANES AND MUSIC PLAYS AND YOU FEEL ALL HAPPY AND-

Rob: The venom was excruciating.

Stephenie Meyer: What? Candycanes don't sell books!

*Rob randomly jumps off a rock for no apparent reason other than that he was getting sick of Kristen*

_Kristen is washing her car.....Honey, it doesn't matter how many times you scrub it, ITS ALWAYS JUST GONNA BE A RUSTY OLD PIECE OF SHIT!_

Rob: *jumps off Kristen's car*

Kristen: I'VE GOT NEIGHBORS!

Rob: Wow, what an achievement? Whatever. I'm taking you to my place tomorrow.

Kristen: Do I get choice in the matter?

Rob: Nope.

_At the Cullen mansion *squeal!*_

Kristen: Wow....It's so light and open....

Rob: What did you expect? Llamas and armadillos and peaches?

Kristen: Not the peaches.

Rob: Not the peaches....

Kristen: Yeah. I just said that.

*walks into kitchen*

Elizabeth (Esme): BELLA!

Peter (Carlisle): BELLA!

Kellan (Emmett): BELLA!

Nikki (Rosalie): *flat voice* Bella.

Carlisle: Ok, I swear we weren't THAT enthusiastic when we first me her...

Rosalie: Yah. Especially not me.

Elizabeth: We're making Italiano for you.

Kristen: Bonjourno.

Rob: *elbows Kristen* No. Don't even try to be cool ok? You'll just embarrass yourself.

Nikki: I HATE YOU! YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH!

Rob: Just ignore Rosalie. I do.

Nikki: Yeah, yeah. Let's all just keep pretending the piece of meat infront of me isn't going to get us all KILLED!

Kellan: That'd be hard....seeing as we're already dead....

Kristen: I would never tell anyone! *hides phone behind back and stops calling local newspaper* Yah.

Ashley (Alice): *walks through window* BELLA! ME BOUGHT YOU SOME FLOWERS!

Kristen: Bonjourno!

Rob: Ugh....


	24. Rob's Gay Flag

**Ok, so as you're reading this chapter, you'll probably notice how frickin RUSHED it is! I know, I know. But the reasoning for it is: I really want to finish this story. I feel like it's dragged out too long. SO, as a result, this SHOULD be my last chapter. K? K.**

Catherine: I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU GUYS!

Emmett: What kind of bone? A chicken bone?

_As usual, Em is ignored...._

Catherine: You _need _to start sticking to the script, ok? No more personal comments about how Kristen looks like a boy.....

Kristen: Wait, what? No one ever said tha-

Catherine: No more fist fights on set over who has the best hair. *eyes Edward and Rob meaningfully*

Edward: *smirks* I won.

Catherine: And most importantly, *tears well up* STOP EATING _MY _DONUTS! My SPECIAL donuts!

Jacob: *through a mouthful of donut* Yeah guys. Thats just disgraceful.

Catherine: With that said...ACTION!

_'Edward' and 'Bella' enter his room...._

Kristen: No bed?

Edward: *mutters* Oh sure, just jump straight into the insults. No, 'Hey Edward, great interior designing!' or 'Oh Edward, that couch is _stunning_'

Bella: God, you're such a baby....

Rob: No...no I don't sleep...

Kristen: *points at stereo* What are you listening to?

Rob: Its Debussy....

Kristen: *presses play*

_YOU GET THE BEEEEST OF BOTH WORLDS,_

_YOU GET THE SHADES AND THE HAIR, YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE...._

Everyone: *stares at Rob* Hannah Montanna?

Rob: Woah woah WOAH! *points at Edward* It's HIS Cd!

Edward: I....I....*glares at Catherine* WHERE DID YOU GET MY HANNAH CD?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING THE DEBUSSY ONE!

Catherine: *frowns* I _thought _I picked up the one labeled 'Edward's favorite songs'....

Edward: *mumbles* You did....

Kristen: Ahem.... Anyway....

Rob: *grabs Kristen and starts to tango with her*

Catherine: I said to SLOW dance! Ok.....good, Rob....NO! Not the CHICKEN dance either.....Ugh. *sniffs* Hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless....

Kristen: I can't dance....

Bella: Of course you can! *goes all starry eyed* You can do ANYTHING you put your mind to!

Edward: Oh God, she's been reading one of Jasper's 'Think Positive' books again....

Jasper: *points to his frown* They don't work.

Bella: No, seriously Rob. If you TRY, you can achieve ANYTHING!

Rob: *pulls Kristen onto his back and jumps out of window* "I beeeelieve I can fly, I believe I can touch the skyyyyy..." *falls*

Bella: …..except that.

_After a fun-filled break of ice-packs and Rob bawling his eyes out, our cast are back on track. This time, to film the kissing scene!_

Rob: I really don't feel comfortable about this. I'm not....attracted to her at all....

Kristen: Why because I'm not a guy? *snickers and slaps Emmett a high five*

Rob: _You're_ nota guy? Oh! I thought you were. Dude, you really need to invest in plastic surgery...or at least make your voice a _little _higher....

Kristen: *scowls*

Catherine: ACTION!

Kristen: How'd you get in here?

Rob: The window.

Kristen: And how'd you open it? Pry it open with the end of your gay flag?

Catherine: *sobs on the _Deer From The Start_'s shoulder* STICK TO THE SCRIPT!

Kristen: Do you do that a lot?

Rob: Only for my fellow man....

Catherine: OH FOR GODS SAKE! I GIVE UP! *throws script at wall*

**Sorry for the rushedness. Last chappy up next! Review or the next (and last) chapter will be like....one page long.**


	25. The American Pastime

**I know, I said this would be the last chapter.....but I lied.**

Kristen: * reads through next scene in script and glares at Edward* Baseball. Your idea of a good date, is taking a girl to play BASEBALL?!

Bella: *scowls* yeah, Edward. I was too busy being dazzled at the time, but now I realise that that was SO unromantic. Explain yourself.

Edward: *shifts uncomfortably* It's the American pastime....

Catherine: *pops unidentifiable pill into mouth* Ok guys, ....just a few more scenes and then we're DONE!

Emmett: ACTION!

Elizabeth (Esme): Bella! I'm glad you came, we need an umpire....

Rob: That's nice talk for 'you suck at sports and we don't want you ruining the game'

Kellan (Emmett): She thinks we cheat...

Elizabeth: Oh I know you cheat!

Jasper: *is curled up in a dark corner rocking back and forth* She can't prove ANYTHING!

Catherine: *eyes Jasper nervously* Uh...yeah. Ahem. Since we don't have a very large budget, we can't exactly afford proper music so.....Take it away, Bella!

Bella: Doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo....Ooo baby don't ya know I suffeeer....

Everyone: WHAT _IS _THAT AWFUL NOISE?!

Edward: *covers ears* It buuuurns!

Alice: MY EARDRUMS ARE SOILED! SOILED!

Catherine: Oh just play baseball!

_A wonderful game of exciting an eventful baseball ensues. All is well until......_

Edward: Gasp! Fog!

Jasper: Gasp! Wind!

Carlisle: Gasp! Daunting and suspenseful music!

Alice: Gasp! *points at the three approaching nomads* They aren't wearing shoes!

Edi (Laurent): *steps on a sharp stone* Ouch! Crap! I mean....erm....Hello. *holds up ball* I believe this belongs to you.

Ashley (Alice): Nope.

Peter (Carlisle: Never seen it before in my life.

Jackson (Jasper): I think it belongs to the Volturi actually. You should check with them.

Edi: I am Laurent. And this is Victoria.

Rachelle (Victoria): *nods* Sup.

Edi: And James....

Cam (James): *turns head to side*

Bella: Wow, what a greeting....

Peter: I'm Carlisle, and this is my family.

*All Cullen's break into a remixed version of 'We are Family'*

Emmett: *raises hand* I have a question. WHY THE HELL IS LAURENT JAMAICAN? Seriously. WTF?

Catherine: Interesting question, Emmett. And first, I must thank you for stopping filming just so you could ask it, consequently costing us all HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS!

Emmett: You're welcome. Answer the damn question.

Catherine: *sighs*I was sick of working with Americans, ok? So I figured, Hey! Why not throw something different into the cultural mix?

Stephenie Meyer: *is not amused*

Catherine: ACTION!

Cam: You bought a snack....

Kristen: Wow, thanks a bunch Edward! You bought a snack and didn't think to share it with your GIRLFRIEND?!

Bella: *pats Kristen sympathetically on the shoulder* Chivalry is dead. Its a sad fact, but it's true.

_Driving through the woods. Because for some reason the road is blocked...?_

Kristen: This driving thing? Yah, you're not so good at it....

Rob: I've just made this his most exciting game ever.

Kristen: Oh my God, Rob! Watch where you're driving!

Rob: He's never gonna stop!

Kristen: YOU JUST RAN OVER A SMALL CHILD!

Rob: We have to kill him.

Kristen: *glances at childs' guts smeared across the road* I think you're all good in the killing department to be honest....

_At the Cullen house_

Rob: *gives Nikki a coat* Wear this. It will give the tracker Bella's scent and lead him on the wrong trail.

Nikki: Hell no! That girl has NO fashion sense. Damn! That coat is UUUUUUUGGGLLLLYYYY!

Rob: Just wear the freaking jacket, ok? Oh, *turns around* By the way Bella, you're my life now, kay?

Kristen: Cool cool.

Catherine: THIS IS ALL WRONG! *takes shot of tequila*

_In Pheonix_

Kristen: *answers phone* Hello, Buddy the Elf, what's your favourite colour?

Rob: It's me. I'm j- wait...Buddy the _elf_? Ugh, never mind, I'm coming to get you. And we're going to go somewhere safe.....

Kristen: Burger King?

Rob: …...Yes... *hangs up*

*phone rings again*

Kristen: *answers phone* House of God, Moses speaking, how may I help you?

Cam: *heavy breathing* It's James....

Kristen:...sorry, I think you have the wrong number....

Cam: No no! You know me! Remember? The vampire from the baseball field!

Kristen: Ah! The ginger ninja! What can I do for you, fanta pants?

Cam: NO! Not Victoria! It's JAMES! You know! Blonde ponytail....creepy eyes that don't open very wide....

Kristen:....

Cam: UGH! You really ARE an idiot aren't you....Anyway. I'm just calling to let you know I'm gonna kill you. Ok? Meet me at the ballet studio.

Kristen: Do I have to wear a tutu?

Cam: Of course! I thought that went without saying! *hangs up*

*A few minutes pass*

*phone rings*

Kristen: You've reached the office of Osama Bin laden, how may we help you?

Cam: I forgot to mention that I have your mother. Bye again.

Kristen: Toodles...

_In The Ballet Studio....(which is apparently a very sinister place to die..._

Kristen: Hello? Mom? Ginger ninja?

Cam: *storms into room in hot pink tutu* IT'S _JAMES-_ ...ok WHERE IS YOUR TUTU?

Kristen: *snaps fingers* Dang flabbit! I knew I forgot _something_!

Cam: Ugh, I don't have time for you excuses. *creepy childs voice* I'm now going to kill you....

**Gasp. Cliffhanger! ...even though we all know whats going to happen next....BUT OH WELL. Review or James will kill you in his creepy tutu.**

**Yes. BE AFRAID!**


	26. Epilogue: Its FINALLY a Wrap!

Peter: She's losing a lot of blood...Alice! Give me your belt!

Ashley: Fuck off, old pervy doctor guy.

Rob: _I need to pee, I need to pee, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MY BLADDER IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE! _*strained voice* Carlisle!

Peter: You can let the venom spread?

Rob: Nup. Next.

Peter: *does doctory stuff* Dum de dum...

Rob: CARLISLE! WHATS MY OTHER OPTION? _AND WHERE'S A TOILET?_

Peter: Hmmm? Oh, right. Well, you could also suck the venom out I suppose.

Rob: You know I won't be able to stop!

Bella: I've always wondered why Carlisle never sucked out the venom. I mean, it wouldn't have been an issue for HIM to stop.

Stephenie Meyer: *pats Bella condescendingly on the head* Silly Bella. If Carlisle had done it, then how would _Edward_ have been able to prove his self-control, love for you. and all round loveliness?

Bella: Ahhhh, sneaky!

Carlisle: Also, I was kind of busy saving your leg.

Rob: Ok...here goes... *pretends to bite into Kristen's neck while really snacks on some chicken*

Kristen: *looks vaguely sexual*

Bella: Ok...pretty sure I looked more attractive than that...

Kristen: *in voiceover* Death is easy. Peaceful. *convulses violently on the floor*

Catherine: And here there will be a flashback...*plays flashback/momtage for all to see*

Bella: CUT!

Catherine: *twitches*

Bella: I don't GET it...

Edward: Yeah, I don't remember it ever SNOWING in the medow scene.

Catherine: *with a new crazed look in her eyes* IT SYMBOLIZES PURITY! PURITY I TELL YOU!

_In the hospital_

Sarah (Renee): Honey?

Kristen: M-

Catherine: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR MOTHER DAUGHTER BONDING! I WANT TO GO HOME! *throws sarah into a shredder*

Kristen: What happened to James?

Rob: We took care of him.

Kristen: DUDE! HE TRIED TO KILL ME! WHY WOULD YOU TAKE CARE OF HIM?

Rob: *sighs and combs hair* That means we KILLED him.

Kristen: Oh.

Rob: *who has given up on trying to actually _act_ in this movie* I'm gonna leave ya should live with your Mom.

Kristen: *starts to say something profound, but dust gets caught in her throat* But...you can't just...I...I...what are you...

Rob: Shhh...

Kristen: *clears throat* you can't leave me!

Rob: Where else am I gonna go?

Everyone:...huh?

Rob: Not directly answering her request leaves room for the next movie.

Bella: Again, sneaky!

_At the prom_

Catherine: *drinking heavily* Jussssshht, go.

Kristen: Edward, why didn't you let the venom spread? I could be like you right now.

Rob: Bella, you need to get your facts straight. Vampire venom does NOT make you English, hot or do anything about that ugly crap you call hair.

Kristen: *grits teeth, slaps him and storms off set*

Catherine: AND THATS A WRAP! *falls off chair*

_6 months later in a office at Summit Entertainment_

CEO Dude: Ok, we're going to start filming New Moon soon, will someone please get a hold of Catherine Hardwicke, the director of the first one?

Secretary: She's actually in a mental hospital at the moment, she had some sort of breakdown after they finished filming Twilight.

Chris Weitz: *pops up* I'LL DO IT!

CEO: *claps* Excellent! And you don't have to worry about auditions either, the original cast are tied to their four movie contracts so they will definitly be participating.

*somewhere in London, Robert Pattinson screams*


End file.
